


Reflections Arthur Fleck fanfiction

by ArthurFlecksGirl



Category: Arthur Fleck - Fandom, Joker (2019)
Genre: Arthur - Freeform, Bottom Arthur, F/M, Multi, Protective Arthur
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-07
Updated: 2020-04-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:28:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23526901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArthurFlecksGirl/pseuds/ArthurFlecksGirl
Summary: Fan fiction about Arthur Fleck part 1-5Cute, romance, fluff, sex
Relationships: Arthur Fleck/You
Kudos: 6





	Reflections Arthur Fleck fanfiction

Reflections

Cold floor, shaking hands and soaked clothes. I’m not sure what got me here. I’m lying on the ground in a city that feels awkwardly strange to me. Loud and dusty. Strangers are passing me by without taking notice. I try to stand up. Look around, rubbing my eyes. The headlights hurt my eyes. All those skyscrapers make the sky seem so tiney, like its getting smaller and tighter everytime I Iook up. There is a lack of space. A lack of warmth. I’m freezing as I stay up, trying to remember how I got here. Nothing. I feel like a sleepwalker as I cross a road named Anderson avenue. I just wanna get away from the crowds. All those strangers who don’t even look at me. Am I even there? Am I hallucinating? A long, grey stair appears in front of me and it feels real as I get up. Cuz I feel the burning pain in my bones. Step for step. I’m heavy breathing as I make it to the top. All I can think of is to find a place to rest. An open door, so I can hide from the cold.

I got lucky. The postman just left an door open and I find myself in an kinda wrecked building. You can hear people arguing behind closed doors and it smells like the windows heaven’t been open for weeks.

I’m not sure what I hope to find but a place to spent the night would be helpful since I lost my memory. There is an elevator. Maybe I could hide in it. I enter it and decide to go up. More people fighting and funny smells. I bet most people here wish to live somewhere else. This place drains the life out of you. But I’m too tired to care. I just wanna take a nap and tomorrow I will find out how I’d gotten here.

And there is it. Right in front of me. An open door. No noises. Maybe no one’s home? But why’s the door open?

“Hello? Excuse me, is someome home? You left your door open“ . No one is answering. So I take a slow step through the door into a cosy apartment. It looks like it has been stuck in the 80ies. The furniture looks used but nice. Someone left the light on. I lie down at the beige couch. Surely the people who live here will be back soon. The old,woody furniture ,the pictures on the walls and the TV tells me it must be an old lady living here. So I will tell her the truth and hope she lets me rest for the night.

I grab myself a pillow. Looks like someone sleeps on the couch. The pillow smells nice. A mixture of Prell shampoo, cocoanut, cigarettes and a bit of sweat. Not like an old lady at all. What if this couch belongs to someone else? I drift away in daydreams. Not really asleep, not fully awake. Suddenly I feel like I have been here before. Like I have slept here before. The comfort of the blankets. The scent of them. It feels familiar. My eyes are closing. Finally.

“Who are you? What are you doing here?“ Am I still asleep? “Hello? Can you hear me?“ The voice of a man wakes me from the strangest dream. “Ms.?“ His voice sounds soft. Shy even. I open my eyes. The beauty I see is running through my veins. The most intense eyes I have ever seen are piercing me with curiousity. Green, with tiney sparkles of deep blue. I linger on them, then notice a unique formed nose which leads to a beautiful scar on his thin lips. I cannot take my eyes off it. It makes him look a bit unpredictable. Wild. Sexy. He looks confused. “Ms.? Wat are you doing at my apartment?“ Now I remember. I overslept at a strangers home. The one living here must be him. That scent. I look at him, unable to reply something. His appearance overwhelms me. He’s obviously nerveous. His hands in his neck long, brown, greasy hair. Which gives him an kinda innocent contrast to his slightly dangerous expression. “I..I’m sorry. I have to leave“ I hasitate as I stay up so fast I get dizzy. “I woke up in the streets and didnt knew where I was or how did I got here. I just wanted to close my eyes for a sec and the door was open. And…“ my heart rages. Will he get angry? Call the police? “Sir, I am so sorry I …“ “ Shhh“ he says “Don’t be. Its okay. I belive you. Sometimes I dont know where to go,too. Sit down and relax. I’ll get some coffee.“ I cannot belive my eyes as he goes to the kitchen and comes back with two cups that say “Live at the Murray Franklin show“. Isnt that show from the 80ies,too? “Here is your coffee. Now tell me how you think you got here. I’m Arthur Fleck.“

Arthur Fleck. What a name. There is something about the sound of it. I cannot even tell what it is. He takes a sip of his coffee. Just one sip before putting a cigarette between his lips. “Want one?“ he asks. “No thanks, I dont smoke“.

I notice a whole bunch of medication on the table. It has his name on it. For a second I am worried he caughts me staring at it but he is about to turn on the tv. “Do you like the Murray Franklin show?“ he asks while taking an old VHR out of the piled up casettes and pushes it into the player. “I have never seen it“ “You never watched the Murray Franklin show?“ he sounds kinda disappointed. “Well, I barely know shows from the 80ies“ “ What do you mean?“ This gets more and more confusing. Eveything here feels like I have been thrown back into a time I wasnt even born. Am I still asleep on the couch?

I’m unsure of whats real anymore. All I can focus on is this stanger that sits down beside me. I can smell his brown sweater, the same scent that lulled me to sleep when I crawled up under that blankets.

“You gotta watch it with me. It’s so good“ he says focusing on a grey haired man in his late 60ies on the monitor. I still focus on his hair, which slightly curles up behind his neck. I caught myself thinking about touching it. But I don’t dare to move. “Thats Murray himself“ he says “I look up to him, you know? He’s a great guy“ His voice brings me back from my fantasy. I turn my head to the tv. “Oh so thats what it says on your mug? You must be a huge fan then?“ “ I am“ he nodds. “Its my life long dream to be on the show. I do stand up comedy.“

He smiles at the man on the monitor like he knows him. Like he means something to him. It seems like he is lost in his thoughts while watching Murray making jokes. I bet he doesnt even notice the way I continue staring at him. Everytime Murray makes a joke he smiles in such a soft way it almost hurts me inside. There is something so fragile about his smile. Something sad. Lonely even. I wanna ask him if he lives alone here. Still wondering why the apartment looks like an old ladys home. “Do you live alone? “ “No “ he replies “I actually live with my m-mother.She’s at the hospital right now. She’s very sick. I take care of her as good as I can“ “Oh I see.I hope she will feel better soon“. His smile is gone. I feel guilty, regretting my question about him living alone. Now he looks even sadder than before. I would love to give him a hug. He looks like someone who heaven’t been hugged in a long time. Someone who lacks love. Everything about him is fragile. The way he moves, the way his clothes look way too baggy on his tiney body. He doesn’t talk much. But his body language is undeniable.  
"Do.do you want something to eat?" he asks. "You must be hungry." I smile at him "Yeah, well, that would be really nice". He gets in the kitchen which is just right beside the living room and opens the fridge. I caught myself staring at him again, I feel kinda bad about it but i just cant help it. There is something so hyptotizing about the way he moves So graceful, even though his way of walking looks sad and lonely. Even here in his own apartment, he seems like he doesnt belong here. Like we`re both strangers and just got here. He still stares into the fridge like he is waiting for something. I`m not sure but I could swear his eyes are about to tear up for a second. Maybe his fridge is empty and he is embarressed about it. He looks like heasn`t eaten proberly for a long time.   
"Um.. well....I`m so, so sorry...what was your name again? he mumbles.  
My name. I panik for a second. I dont even remember my name.   
"I don`t remember. I dont know what happenend to me or how I got here. What kinda city is this anyway?"  
I feel tears coming up. Afraid of what is happening to me.  
He hesitates and comes back with a bowl of oat meal, handing me a spoon.  
"I`don`t have much to eat here right now since my mum`s at the hospital. I don`t eat much. I`m so sorry, I..."  
I take the bowl in my hands "Its okay, don`t be sorry. I just worry about you. I mean, you gotta eat,too."  
"Yeah... well I try but mostly I feel sick because of my..." he looks at the piled up medication on the table and swallows hard. "Its okay, you dont have to talk about it"  
Now he looks at me. He can see the almost dried tear running down my cheek "Oh no, don`t cry. It must be horrible to lose your memory but I will take care of you till you know where you live and who you are. I promise". Now he smiles. So soft. Childlike even. Nothing dangerous about him anymore.  
Its funny that he says he is going to take care of me. Cuz when I loo at him all I wanna do is look after him. He needs someone. The guy doest even have soething to eat at home.  
I`m starting to eat the oat meal "You`re so nice, I dont know what to say"  
"We`ll get something to eat soon. I`m gonna get paid tomorrow.  
"Oh right, you said you do stand up comedy?"  
"I do. But till i`m ready for the big clubs I make my money as a party clown"  
I let that sink in.  
A party clown. I try to imagin him in Clown clothes. A painted on smile. A wig. Its almost impossible to me to picture him being a clown.   
"Look" he grabs my hand. My heart jumps in my chest. The touch of his hand as unexpected. His Touch is strong but gentle as he brings me to a make up table "Thats where I put my make up on. usually I get ready for work at Ha Ha`s. They got even bigger mirrors and all but sometimes I put it on at home,too. Most of the things are my mums stuff but she doesnt use it anymore."  
A green,curly wig is lying on the floor. "Oh I see you noticed my wig. Thats my hair, you know when I`m Carnival. Thats my clown name at work." He lets go of my hand now. It feels bad. I want him to hold it longer. He brushes his hair back with his fingers now.  
"Since you don`t know your real name anymore, we should give you one" he`s touching the make up on the table like he has never seen it before.  
"You can name me whatever you want"  
Did I said that out loud? I cant help but thinking this sounded strange. But he doesnt seem to notice how awkward it sounded to me.  
"We should call yo kitten" he nods "I dont know why but I like that name and it suits you"  
I can feel my blood rushing to my hear. "Youre making me blush"  
He smiles only for a second but I noticed.  
"Its a good name" he says.  
For a minute we`re just standing there looking at each other.  
I´m not sure what to do. I never felt this way before.  
"I can could get my clown make up on at home tomorrow morning before I go to work. so you can see it"   
"That would be great"   
"I will, you can watch me while I put it on. Sometimes its fun, you know? I mean I love my job. Making the kids smile.I wanna bring joy to everyone. But its difficult with adults. I guess they don`t think i´m very funny" he lets go of the make up box he was holding. "  
"I`m sure you are very funny, Arthur" I say. Not sure if i belive in my own words. Still I cant imagin him being a clown that cheers you up. He seems way too lost inside of his own kinda sadness to be a party clown.All I want is to take that sadness away. I am actualy more worried about him as i am about my own condition.  
The thought of spending another night here makes me all fuzzy. More nights even. I wonder if he will sleep in the other room. Of course he will. How can I even think of something else. What are my thoughts doing? I can`t stop thinking about how it would be to sleep right next to him. To watch him sleep. His sad face, his sad beautiful face. I would wait till he is fully asleep and get so close to him i could smell his hair. I would crawl under his blanket so carefully,he wouldnt wake up from it and lay my arm around him, so I could feel him breathe. Touch his fragile, tiney shoulders with my shaking fingers and get my lips so close to his, I could almost feel his scar.  
"C`mon" his voice woke me from my daydreams.  
"I`ll get you something to eat, I feel lke I treat you bad as my guest"  
He gets his keys as I stand up. "We could get some Donuts. There is a pretty good Donut shop, I went there from time to time. Gives me space to think."  
I love the idea of going out with him, so I nod and find myself out on the street a minute later. The same street I woke up in. Noisy and dirty. You can tell its a bad neighborhood. The kind of place you wouldnt dare to walk along as soon as it has gotten dark. I check my pockets for anything. There is nothing in it. Where is my purse? My ID? So I could find out who I am. Kitten. I`,m Kitten now. Which should alarm me but somehow I feel save around him, even though he is a total stranger to me. He doesnt feel like one. He feels like the warm center of a cold city. An anchor to hold on to, yet so fragile himself.   
He does a little dance move as we arrive at the Donut shop. They are playing Frank Sinatra and he seems to enjoy it very much. He chooses the last table in the corner. Blue lights are shining from the windows. There is only one more old men sitting on the other side of the room. Its nice but it kinda looks like a place for the forgotten. The girl who is working there comes up to our table, she keeps looking down "Have you descited on your order yet?"  
We order some Donuts and coffee. he keeps moving his shoulders to the music playing. "You`re a fan of Sinatra" I ask. "Yeah, he`s great. Musc was always a huge part of my life. I dance from time to time but, oh well, no, thats embarrassing"  
"No its not. i would like to see it some day"  
"Oh i don`t think i can do that in front of people" he coveres his face behind his hands. "I just do it when I´m home alone or my mum is asleep. I dont even know why I tell you about it. Its really embarrassing. Trust me, it is"   
He keeps on surprising me. The party clown job, the dances,... he`s gotta have a different side you wouldnt expect. I get more and more curious about him, his life. I wanna be a part of it. For a second I didnt even care about what my life usd to be anymore. t feels like I was brought here for a reason. That it wasnt just an accident to lose my memory. Maybe we were ment to met.   
"Are you thinking about how I look while dancing?" he asks.  
I can`t help but laugh "No. No I just...nevermind"  
"Of course not. Why would you even think about that. i´m sorry". He looks down at his coffee playing with the spoon. "No, thats not what i meant. Of course I would think about you dancing... I mean you´re really..." I stop. i was about to say that he is sexy.   
He looks up. Looks me right in the eyes. My got, his eyes hit me like a wave of emotions.   
He isnt smilin just staring at me, deeply as I hold my breath. Neighter of us is saying a word. its the kind of silence you can feel with your whole body. Just like I can feel his presence with my whole body.   
I need to break the silence.   
"So you come here often"  
"Sometimes. But its much better to have someone by my side. Like now. Usually i come here alone" he sips on his coffe and lights a cigarette. He didn`t even touched his Donuts yet. "Well, always to be honest".   
i nod. Kinda worried to say something wrong. "Thats a shame. You shouldnt be alone all the time". I wonder if I had friends back when I still knew who I was. Did I have a social life or was I just as lonely as Arthur? Maybe we have much more in common as I think. Maybe I was sitting alone in sad Coffee shops,too.   
"yeah, well, everytime I try to make people smile they just won`t. People tend to avoid me a lot. Sometimes when I lie in bed at night" he leans over to me, whispering "I wonder if I even really exist". His face just got darker within a second. "Like I´m not really a person , you know? Arthur Fleck is just an idea someone made up in his mind. And I am the ghost of this illusion."  
I feel my body tense up a little. You can tell he isnt kidding.   
His face gets back to how it was before. Shy and tired. Tired of life.   
"I`m sorry. You must think there is something wrong with me. I dont want to scare you. Thats what I always do. I always screw things up."  
"No you don`t. I mean, thats like a really interesting thought actually. Questioning your very own existence. Its clever if you ask me". The hint of a smile is crossing his lips "You think so? My social worker doesn`t. At least i can`t imagin she does think its clever. She won`t pay attention to me anyway. Its ironic isnt it? I tell her I doubt if i even exist and she ignores me" he blows the smoke out of his mouth, shaking his head.  
"Sounds like your social worker is nt very good in her job"  
"She isn`t. i go there to get my medication and I talk to her anyway. i dont want my mother to worry about me, so i cannot talk about my feelings when she is around. "  
"You can talk to me" i say. " Thats so nice of you. you`re the first person who is that nice to me. I don`t know what to say."  
"Life has treated you badly, Arthur, right?" he stares at his untouched Donut without saying anything. I touch his hand, which is lying on the table. I put my hand on his. Not saying a word. And i am sure his eyes are watering a bit while I stroke his arm.   
"You look tired Arthur,do you want to go home?"  
"Yeah" his little voice.  
I call the waitress. A young girl with hair as red as a flame.  
"Thats 14 Dollars please"  
Arthur pulls out his worn out purse and gets nerveous. His hands start to shake a little.  
I feel bad for him. I realize he couldnt afford this.He pulls out six Dollars, coughing.  
The girl`s starting to look annoyed "Eight more Dollars please,sir" she says.  
Now he starts searching in his pockets. Pants. Jacket. Nothing. Only more cigarettes and a card, but I can`t tell whats written on it.   
"Sir?"  
And all of the sudden Arthur starts to press his hands against his mouth. Hard. And he starts laughing. A laugh i never heard before. I`ve never seen before. Agressive and uncontrollable. His lips hidden behind his hands, coughing. I start to realize there is pain in his eyes. he actually looks like he is crying so hard it hurts his insides.   
The waitress looks even more annoyed. I ´m alost sure I can hear her say "Not again" as she takes a deep breath.  
Arthur seems to try to stop laughing, shaking his head. But he can`t. he`s gasping for air.  
"Arthur! Are you okay?" I ask " Can i do something for you?" he`s shaking his head, tears in his eyes, heavy breathing as he hands me his card.  
"Forgive my laughter. i have a condition. More on back."  
I flip the card around.  
"Its a medical condition, causing sudden, frequent and uncontrollable laughter that doesnt match how you feel. It can happen in people with a brain injury or certain neurological conditions. Thank you! Kindly return the card."  
Before I even have a chance to give him the card back, the waitress takes it out of my hand. Reading it. "What is this shit. Are you serious? Is this how u try to get away without paying?" Arthur still gasping for air.  
Now she hands me the card " Will you please pay the rest?"  
"I:m sorry. i lost my purse and..."  
"Of course you did. Look. Grab your weirdo by the hand and get the hell out of here. You can come back and pay the rest tomorrow. Now please go."  
I hesitate, grabbing his Donuts. " Can`t you read? He has a condition."  
"He`s obviously got a lot of problems" the red haired girl turns away " Having some lunatic here on the table, talking to himself for hours every week isnt what we ask for."  
I can feel the anger raising in my guts. But I´ll try to calm down. I dont want to cause him any more discussion. " C´mon Arthur, we`re going to your place now".  
His laughing seems to slowly stop as he puts the card back in his pocket.  
We don`t talk as we walk back into his apartment. We`re just holding hands, which says enough for now. 

Some minutes later I find myself on the couch again. Arthur s in the kitchen crashing some meds, putting them into a bowl of oath meal, heading back to me on the couch.   
"Did I scare you away?"  
"No, why would you think that?"  
"i dont know" he`s eating half of the bowl, puts the rest away.  
"Does it happen a lot?"  
"Kinda. Mostly when I feel very uncomfortable in social situations. I know it scares people a lot. But I...i can`t do anything about it. I just dont want you to be scared of me"  
"I´m not, Arthur. Don´t worry about that. I couldn never e scared of you. I know that we just met but...I really like you a lot. I feel save around you."  
"You feel save around me?" he doesnt belive me. "Why?"  
"I pull on his jacket, which he is still wearing, so he can take it off.  
"I just do"  
"Kitten, I feel like I can tell you all my secrets. Like I can tell you anything. I never speak to anyone this way. But with you I feel like I can"  
"How do you cope with all those emotions without ever talking about it?"  
He stand up, walks to the table and gets back with a journal.  
"I keep my thoughts private in my journal. Sometimes my social worker looks at it but she barely really reads something. Its also my joke diary. I use it for anything that comes to my mind. Do you wanna read it? I cant belive I ask you that but... i want you to. I want you to know how I feel"  
I`m flattered by him. This must be really private and he wants me to read his diary? Maybe I am not the only one feeling this connection. Maybe we truly feel for each other. Maybe I could watch him sleep tonight.  
"You could read me something out of your diary. I dont feel comfortable with reading it by myself."  
"I could do that" he nods, skipping through the pages like he is regretting it already.  
"Here is a joke, are you ready?"  
"Sure" I put my hand upon his knee as he starts reading.  
"What did the crazy man say to the straight jacket? Loosen up a little"  
He skips more pages, doesnt even look if I was smiling.  
"Imagin your whole life ends on a sidewalk..." he stops.  
"You know what? This was a bad idea, I am so sorry. I really wanted to show you but my thoughts are just nonesense."  
He throws his diary back on the desk, putting on some music. The moon is a silver dollar comes up. "Stand up,Kitten" he takes me by the hands and starts to dance with me. In this dark but cosy room. He really is a good dancer. You can tell he`s got music inside of him. "Arthur, you`re a really good dancer". He smiles "I know". He pulls me closer. I lay my head upon his chest. Take a deep breath of his brown sweater. He´s not much taller than me, so my head is close to his well defined chin. I can feel him pressing me against him. So carefully but still close enough to tell he wants me to stay in this position. And god I want to stay in it. My hands are pressed on his back. I can feel his bones through the sweater, thats how skinny he is. I never want this moment to end. The way his body moves to the song draws me in. I get lost in the motion of his movements, we become one movement. And even this isnt close enough. I need to feel his naked skin on mine. i need to inhale his breath. to taste his lips. His embrace loosens up. he is twisting me around in circles. Laughing. Not the kinda laugh that seems hurtful. A real laugh. I think this is the first time he looks happy to me. Real happiness. Is it because of me?   
"Thank you for that special moment,Kitten. I usually dance with my mother only. You really make me smile. So, do you wanna watch a movie or something? I got some very funny Charlie Chaplin movies, you might enjoy..."  
"Sure"  
We watch his fave movies all day long. We dont talk much. Just sitting beside each other on the couch. Sometimes he puts his hand on mine but only for a moment. He seems real shy. Like he doesnt know if he is allowed to touch me. Oh he is allowed. Everything in me screames for him to touch me. But I never got it on with a stranger and it makes me feel confused. Is he only being shy or doesnt he want me the way that I want him?  
He`s really into those movies. He pay attention to every detail. Sometimes he gives me comments about how the movie has been made. He seems very passionate about this, which I love.  
After hours of watching Chaplin he looks even more tired than before.  
"Do you want to go to bed?" he asks. "If you want. I could get some sleep,too."  
"Do you want to sleep on the couch?"  
There it is. The question.  
"Yeah"  
I said yeah. Why did I say that? Well, he is offering me the couch, I cant just go and tell him No I want to fall asleep beside you and tocuh your face while you`re dreaming. Cant I?  
"Alright. So U got all the blankets and pillows there and ...good night, Kitten. If you need something just wake me, i`m right here"  
"Good night Arthur"  
He leaves the door open. I lay down and stare at the ceiling. Unable to find sleep. He is sleeping in the other room. I could just walk in and lay down beside him and... No I can`t do that. He`ll wake up and think i´m a stalker.   
I lay here for a good hour till I hear his steps towards me.  
"K-Kitten?"  
He is wearing underwear only. His tiney body right in front of me. His hair messy and curly from tossing around in his bed.  
"Yes?"  
"My insomnia is getting bad again. I cannot find any sleep. Do you wanna crawl up under my blanket? I mean, only if you want , there is enough space for the two of us and..."  
Thats it. I cannot behave myself anymore. I stand up, fully awake and grab his beautiful face. He`s just standing there, with his hands hanging down on him, as I press my lips gently against his scar. It tastes like cigaretttes but there is also a different taste i cannot describe. Him.  
I touch the scar gently with my tongue, my left hand on his cheekbones.He still isnt moving. Like he´s frozen. He closes his eyes, so I can see his long eyelashes which protect those green eyes like a curtain. I can feel his breath on my face as I stop for a second to look at his face. He`s still doing nothing. I kiss him one more time,let my tongue find its way in his mouth. Now he presses me against him like when we were dancing but one of his hands are lying gently in my neck now. I can tell that his hand is shaking. He is nerveous, doesnt know what to do. But then he is kissing me back. Slow but harder now. Still very unsure of himself. Kissing him feels like heaven. His shyness turns me on even more.   
My hands are on his chest now. I can feel his heart beating fast. Its cute that I make him that nerveous. He seems so pure. I just want more of him.  
He opens his eyes as our kiss is done. Smiling in the softest way" I`ve never been with a woman b- before.   
I push him gently into the bedroom as my hands are all over him.  
" Do you enjoy it, Arthur"  
"Oh yeah, I have dreamed about this for so long" he touches my hair, the back of my head, my shoulders. I kiss him again. This time he kisses me right back. He has never been kissed before. My hands are in his hair, the curls I wanted to touch since I came here. They feel so good between my fingers. Kinda greasy but so damn good.   
We get up on the bed and crawl under the blankets. I take my shirt of cuz I know he`s too shy to undress me. I slip under the blanket and we cuddle up, skin on skin. He crawls up and lays his head upon my lap, closing his eyes as I stoke his hair with my fingers.  
"Please stay" he whispers.  
"I´m not going anywhere, Arthur. I will never leave you alone"  
\---to be contiunued----

Part2

The pressuer of his head upon my lap feels very intimate. Everything with him feels imtimate. His hair soft an fluffy between my fingers. He really seems to enjoy it. He craves intimacy, like someone who has never known it. His hands are not touching me he just relaxes in my arms, breathing slowly, a hint of a smile on his face but still oh so sad in his expression.  
"Kitten?"  
"Yes, Arthur?"  
"That was my first kiss. I bet you can tell. I know I´m bad at it"  
"You`re not,Arthur. It was wonderful to feel your lips on mine"  
"Really?"  
"Yeah"  
He smiles "I never dated anyone in my whole life. People think I`m weird because of that. I mean I´m already over 30 and... I have no experience"  
"His eyes are still closed while he is telling me this. I think its kinda cute that he is such a shy guy, but I just know his lonelyness was causing this, which makes me sad at the same time.  
"I was about to kiss a girl in my early twenties" he says "But I ended up laughing right at her face, because I got scared and she thought I was laughing at her. She slapped me and left.I never had the guts to try it ever again after this"  
"Oh Artie..."  
"It feels good you know? Feeling your skin on mine"  
"I know" I whisper in his ear  
He drifts away, falling asleep.  
I watch him sleep, just like I imagined it.  
And its even more wonderful as it was in my imagination.  
Seeing him so peaceful makes me happy inside. He derves this moment. He deserves to be loved. I can`t wait to hear more of his stories. Even if most of them will be sad, its part of him. Of his life. And I wanna know everything about him. I wann know his thoughts, his deepest desires, his secrets,...   
I wanna drown in his mind, which seems to be mysterious, even to himself.  
I wanna listen to him for hours, nights,...help him with his problems. Take some weight off of his shoulders.  
And I want to touch every inch of his body. Kiss all of his fears and doubts away, till he becomes a confident person. Till he knows that he is loved. I want to be all over him and feel him inside of me.  
But for now... I`ll watch him dream. And think about what tomorrow might bring...

Somewhere between watching him sleep and stroving his hair I must have been fallin to sleep myself. His head is still lying on my lap as I wake up, a smile on his face. He moves a bit, now opening his eyes "Kitten?"   
"Good mornng, Arthur"  
" You`re still there" he says "It wasnt just a dream"  
"Of course I am"  
His hand is touching my leg like he wants to consider himself that I am not a dream.  
"Is this, is this real?"  
"It is" I whisper "Why would you think its not?"  
He gets up, sitting on the bed now, his arms pulling his knees close to his body.  
"I don`t know... sometimes I tend to dream a lot , you know? Some days the loneliness gets so painful I just drift away in daydreams. Dreams in which there is someone by my side. Someone who truly cares about me. Touches me. I got pretty good at it over the years. There were times I even felt their arms around me. Heard their voices in my head."  
"Oh Arthur... I dont know what to say"  
"Deep down I always knew that I was still alone" he pulls his legs even closer to his body, his eyes watering.  
It hurts me to imagin him being lonely all his life. No one taking care of him. His mother seems to seek help herself. I bet he took more care of her than she did for his son. Arthur seems to be one of the forgotten. Left behind till he even forgot that he matters himself.  
"Well, those times are over now, Artie! Come on, get up, we`ll get you ready for work. You said I could watch you putting your Clown make up on in the morning, do you remember?"  
His posture changes now "Oh yeah right. I will take you with me to Haha`s. So I can introduce you to my coworkers. How does that sound to you?"  
"I can`t wait"  
We both get out of bed, walking into the living room. He gets to the couch, lighting a cigarette while I get in the kitchen making some coffee.  
"I can`t remember when I last slept as well as tonight your arms, Kitten."  
I`m smiling but he cant see it.  
"Usually I am wide awake for nights and nights, tossing and turning till I start to hallucinate"  
He turns around, looks over at the kitchen "You calmed my mind down a lot"  
"I`m heading back to the couch, handing him his coffee "Hearing this means so much to me. I feel the same with you."  
His eyes go big like he was a little child, giggeling.  
"Any memories coming back to you?  
His question hit me in a weird way. I almost forgot about that problem in his presence. "Nothing"  
"I`m sorry about that. I wish I could help you. I..I don`t know what to do. I never know what to do..."  
No puppy eyes anymore. His eyes got dark within a moment. One thing I noticed about him is that his moods seem to switch within seconds.   
I caught myself thinking what will happen when I got my memory back. Would he want me to leave? Go back to where I really live? Is it far from his apartment? Do I even live in this city? Is there someone worried about me right now? Did they called the police, trying to find me? All these questions make me so confused, I just wanted them to stop.  
"Sometimes I dont know whatto do eighter, Arthur. But we will figure it out together. I guess there is a reason that we met"  
"You think so?"  
"I do. Come on, we gotta get you ready for the day" I take his hand and pull him up from the couch. You can see his ribs underneath his almost perfect looking skin. Perfect besides some remains of bruices on his shoulder, which I didnt noticed yesterday. I put my fingers gently on his bruised skin. It makes him look even more fragile as he already is.  
"Did someone hurt you, Arthur?"  
He looks down, putting the cigarette in the ashtray. "Oh thats nothing, nevermind" he turns around so I cant see his face. "Who did that to you?" He walks into the bathroom, looking into the mirror. The room looks very lady like with pastel colors and stuff. I follow him, watching him looking in his own kinda eyes. He loos like he is about to laugh, grabbing his throath, coghing. Pain in his eyes.  
I hug him from behind to calm him down, regretting my question about his bruises. He`s still fighting not to laugh again. Gasping for air. My embrace gets tighter. His ribs are pushing against my hands. He`s shaking. I wish I knew what to do. I wanna help him but all I can do is hug him and tell him that its okay.  
"Its okay, Arthur. If you need to laugh just do it. I don`t mind."  
I can see his face through the mirror, his eyes are closed, a tear gets painfully pressed out of his eyelids before he turns around. He finally starts to breathe calmer again. I touch his face and kiss his tear away, tasting his salty sadness, make it my own.  
"I´m gonna take a bath before I get ready" he says. His voice cracking as he takes off his underwear and gets some Prell Shampoo. I turn the water on, make it hot so his muscles will relax in a bit. The way he just took his white underwear off in front of me like it was nothing. There is something very irritating about this.   
He fills an empty bottle with hot water, not looking at me. Not seeing me staring at his beautiful body. I can feel the blood rushing in my face, I think I`m gonna blush and he will see it but he doesnt notice. He acts like no one could ever find him attractive. I caught myself feeling a little bit embarressed about the fact that I get turned on right now. With his dried tears still visible on his face. I try not to let it show that all I want is to feel him all over me right now. He climbs into the bathtube, lying down. Its a very small one, even for him. He grabs the water bottle and lets the water rinse through his hair. "I can do this for you if you want?" I take the bottle out of his hand. "Sure, Kitten. Thats sweet of you".  
He starts to relax as I wash his hair and massage his head with my fingers. The water starts to cover his body. His hair smooth between my fingers. I enjoy washing his hair, it feels like taking care of him and feels kinda sexy at the same time. The way he is sexy without knowing it drives me crazy inside. I`ve never been tunrned by someone this way before. My whole body is screaming for him to take me. He is just lying there in front of me, totally naked. And all I do is washing his hair. But somehow this is everything.  
I´m taking my time, makig it as long as possible. I take the sponge and let it slide over his shoulders. They must really hurt. Over his arms. He is making little noises, breathing slowly. Over his chest. I knee behind his head so I can put my face close to his hair, which smells like the shampoo now but there is still that special scent that makes me go wild. I want to bury my face in his neck and breathe him in.  
He seems to enjoy it but in another way as I enjoy it I guess. He seems to finally relax again. I`m just a nerveaous mess, trying not to stare down at his naked body all the time. Trying not to imagin how it would be to climb into that bathtub and seduce him. To feel his wet skin on mine, which is burning from the desire I hold for him. Suddenly he moves "Thank you, I feel a lot better now" he smiles. He wipes the wet hair from his forehead as he stays up and gets out of the bathtub. He gives me a short look. which i cannot define and goes to the bedroom to get his underwear. I can`t help but staring at his small, round butt.   
Somehow he looks excited "Come on, I will show you my Carnival clothes now". He puts on a yellow vest, a striped tie, a checkered jacket and pants that have big patches on them, looking way too big on his skinny legs. The Jacket has a big, red flower on it. The kinda flower that splashes water at you I think. He finishes the look with some big but very beautiful clown shoes, which chnange the way he`s walking a lot. "Now" he gets some brushes and face paint "I will put my make up on." He puts music on "I always listen to music while I get in the mood" he says, humming to Frank Sinatra. He`s sitting in front of the mirror now, I`m standing beside him, watching him taking the biggest brush and applying the white all over his face. He looks very throughtful doing it. His eyes are staring at his reflection in such a serious way. He is questioning himself. Asking himself who he really is. I know this kind of expression because I had those thoughts before myself. He stops for a minute as his face is fully white. There is something very instense about this look. It doesnt even look like a clown. More like another version of himself. His eyes seem darker now. His expression harder to read.   
He puts the brush down "You know I always wondered... is this the real me?"   
I`m starting to bite my nails, not knowing what to say.   
"Putting the white on is like getting rid of all the emotions you had to carry all through the day, you know? Its like you erase half of your face. Half of yourself. To paint a new you. To create whatever you want. You can become another person by getting a new face."  
"Why would you get a new face, Arthur?"  
"Because..." he grabs the blue color now, putting it over his eyebrows and under his eyes. "Because I got sick of the old one". He`s dead serious, making triangles around his eyes, switching to red lipstick now.  
"I have never seen a more beautiful face in my life."  
He smirks. Its a diferent smirk I have not seen on him before. But it could be because of the make up. He doesnt belive me.  
"I´m just a face in the cowd" his fingers are holding the lipstick like there is something mystical about it. "No one ever looks at me when I`m on the streets, on the bus, in the city." He puts the lipstick to his lips. "The only time they`re taking notice is when they would beat me up. You asked me about the bruises.The truth is... I don`t remember which one of them were the ones who kicked me in the back. Could have been the teenagers two weeks ago. Or the angry man last week." His lips are burning red now. He puts on the bright, green, curly wig. Only inches of his brown curls are visible now.  
"I was never truly happy in my life. So I dont know how it feels lke to be happy. But I bet its wonderful. I bet you can feel it in your soul and with your whole body. Like a bruise. But in a good way. So, maybe I cant feel it myself but I wanna be the reason others do."  
He turns around. With the biggest, reddest fake smile I have ever seen.

PART 3  
There is something tragic about his wide, painted smile after what he had told me. He never felt true happiness. The moments I felt it in my life are pretty rare. I know what it feels like to not have a motivation to go on anymore, but to never experience a true moment of happiness in your whole life must be different. I cannot get his words out of my head as we leafe the house and make our way to HaHa`s. He is squeezing my hand as we walk down the streets which are full of garbage and have a bad smell to them. "What about all the piled up garbage?" I ask him. "The garbage strike. It doesnt seem to have an end. I keep on hearing it on the radio." Peple are passing us by without even looking. I thought itwould be a reason to stare at us. Me holding a guy with full clown gear on my hand. But nothing. No eye contact in any way. The people around here seem pretty strange. Ignorant. It feels like we are invisible but in a very uncomfortable way. Anyway, I really enjoy holding his hand in mine. I can tell it makes him nervous because it got sweaty the second he gabbed mine. He`s slighlty sqeeze feels so good. I realize that he is notlooking down for the whole time as he did when we first walked here. Sometimes he looks at me for a brief moment, with wide eyes and a shy smile.  
"Here we are" we walked down some strairs. He looked even more nervous while knocking on the door. "They will like you very much. I just know it." he grins. But his face is freezing as son as the dorr opens. He lets go of my hand.  
"Arthur! Where the fuck have you been yesterday? You`d said you`ll come back in the afternoon!"  
"Hello Hoyt" he`s looking down again. Playing with his hands. "I`m... I`m very sorry.. Belive me I am" Hoyts eyes are switching between me and him. His look makes me feel like I am not welcomed here. "There...there w-was a reason I couldnt come in the afternoon." Hoyt leans against the door "So? I`m listening. What was it?" Arthur taking my hand again "This is Kitten. I mean I call her that. We are not sure about her real name but somehow she landed here in Gotham city and she don`t know how and I said she could stay and ...I didnt wanted to leave her alone, cuz I guess it must be scary to wake up and...."  
"Arthur. Listen." Hoyt looks annyoed. "I am sick of your made up stories. Its good to have a strong imagination as a clown but I`m not sure about yours. Are you pissing me off again?"  
Arthur swallows hard. I look at him and want to help him but I dont know what to say.   
"I...no I dont want to piss anyone off. I just wanted to help her."  
"Arthur. Go seek some help yourself. Come on....you don`t really think that I am going to buy the story about the memory loss, don`t you?"   
I look directly into Hoyts eyes. They look angry. "Mr. Hoyt. This really happened to me and he was really sweet and gave me a place to stay. he didnt mentioned that he had to go to work again by evening. I guess he just wanted to make me feel save on my first day".  
"On your first day? First day of what?" the grey haired man took a deep breath "Look, I have to pay you less now. Art, you know that, right". Arthur doesnt say anything.  
Now a big, tall guy appears in the door. "Art, come on in, I just heard about your story from the other side of the room." he laughs. "So you finally getting it on with a girl, huh? " more laughter in the background. "Oh yeah, poor girl who has to deal with him though" says another voice. We`re walking into the room which is filled with mirrors, make up tables and some guys in clown clothes. Arthur looks disappointed. The big guy stopped talking for a moment when he realized I was there. He was so tall and heavy Arthur almost looked like a kid standing next to him. "Oh so he was talking about you? I see. Sorry. We`re just like to make jokes. Obviously!" he takes a red clown nose out of his pockets and put it on. I just nod. Arthur still standing there like frozen. Hoyt walks into another room, which seems to be his office. Still mumbling to himself."So your name was what? Kitten right?" laughter all across the room. "Well. Its a nickname because I don rem---" Randall slapping Arthurs arm a bit "Oh pal. A girl. I am proud of you" his voice sounds ironic as he leans over to be "How did he even managed to find a girl like you? He barely leaves the house when he isnt working. "  
I give him a look "Oh dont get me wrong. I´m happy for my boy. I just hope you will stay. He is a real pain in the ass sometimes."  
"I will stay". Arthurs wrapped his hands around my back as I say it and pulls me closer to him. Randall walks to the morror, grabbing some stuff "Yeah, sure. Whatever".   
Arthur walks me to his make up table "Look, thats where I usually get ready for work. So much more stuff than I have at home"  
"Arthur, hey" a very, very little guy, maybe half the size of Arthur walks towards us. He has a honest looking smile on his face. Not like the other ones in this room. "I just heard that you have a girlfriend now. I`m happy for you" he shakes my hand "Hello Lady. Welcome to HaHas. Make yourself at home." I feel some relief now that there is someone nice around here and sit down on Arthrs table, as he walks to his locker and pulls out some clown gear. He puts it all in a brown paper bag. You can see his brown curls peaking out on the sides of his bright, green wig. After that he walks into Hoyts office. But I cannot hear what they are talking about, the noises in the room I am in are way too loud and the radio is playing. Arthur comes out two minutes later. "So, thats all the stuff I need. Ready?" "Yeah"  
We leave the bulding and the only one who said bye was the little guy named Gerry. "Today I´m working at a kids hospital. Do a little dancing and singing for them. I´m sure you can joyn. You could sing along some lines?" "Sure. I will. Arthur. I´m so sorry your boss was mad at you. It was all my fault." "No, it wasnt. He is just being Hoyt. He will always find a reason to be mad at me." Looking at him with the clown make up on makes it a lil harder to read how he feels but I can still tell he isnt smiling underneath the paint. "I have to apologise. Those guys.... they are aweful. Everyone of em besides Gerry. I dont know what I was thinking to actually belive they could be happy for me or being nice to you". He sights deeply. "They are only making fun of me." I touch his shoulder "Oh, dont worry about that. Jus forget about it. I just wish they wouldnt making fun of you". We cross the street "Well, there is nothing special about that. Everyone does". We`re barely talking for the whole time till we get to the hospital. We took a tram to get there and sat on the back of it, holding hands. "Its the same hospital my mum is in" he says as we walk through the doors "We could visit her later if you want?"   
I am really excited about the fact that he wants to intruduce me to his mother. "Of course. I would love to get to know her". We get into the elevator "Great, I´m sure she will like you. She`s not like the guys at HaHas at all."   
We arrive at the hospital room. The room is filled with little kids who fight against cancer. They`re faces light up when Arthur enters the room and plays music. He sings along to the songs and makes little, funny dances. He moves so differently from when he did when we danced in his living room. The kids start to sing alon with him, clapping their little hands "If you happy and you know it clap you hands.."  
Arthur seems like a total different person now. Like he never had a bad thought for his whole life. Like nothing could ever kill his joy. The big, paintet smile around his thin lips. The room is full of positive energy and this energy seems to leave with Arthur as well.  
His posture changes immediately as we walk down the hallways to get to his mothers room. He grabs his huge bag "I`m gonna go to the bathroom for a sec." Alright, I`ll wait".  
Three minutes later he comes out wearing his brown jacket over a white shirt. The green wig is gone. His curly hair a bit messy and sweaty, still in his clown make up.  
I cant help but finding this really sexy. He knocks at the door of the room his mum is in. When you watch his profile you can only see a hint of his painted on smile coming from his lips. You can tell he isnt smiling for real. His white face paint starts to come off on his forehead, the red eyebrows smeared. I know I shouldnt get turned on being at a hospital, but damn he looks like a hot mess right now. In my mind I am grabbing him and pushing him against the wall. Kissing him till his big, red smile comes off. Feeling him getting turned on by me toching him.  
"Come on in" a very weak voice wakes me from my fantasy as he opens the door. "Hey mum, how are you doing?" Penny tries to sit up "Happy, I waited for you to visit me" she loos at me "You have a girl with you?" Arthur smiles under his fake smile. Two big smiles. "Mother, this is ..." he looks at me, kinda nervous "...this is Kitten. She is a very nice girl. You will like het a lot". Penny is shaking my hand "Kitten. What kinda name is that? Hello dear!" "Nice to meet you Ms. Fleck. You got a very lovely son." Penny grabs her magazine, reading in it for a second, then lookng at us again. "He`s a good boy. Maybe a little sad sometimes. Maybe a little difficult to handle. But a good boy." Arthur opens his bag and hands her a paper bag with cookies "I brought you some of your favorite cookies, ma". "Thats very nice of you, Happy."  
Happy. She calles him Happy which is throwing me off a lot. Her voice sounds like she is saying it in a very cute way but I cant help but feeling like its a tease. Knowing his laughter is a condition, somethign that actually hurts him. Plus she even said he is sad herself like a minute ago.  
Arthur sits down beside her. I stand beside him. Penny looks like she has been through a lot. "How did you get to know each other" she asks lookng at me "Happy is barely leaving the house, except for going to work and to the pharmacy." "I needed help and he helped me out". "Thats great" she eats a cookie "As I said, he`s a good boy". "I let her sleep over" I am kinda surprised hearing Arthur saying this. "She didnt knew where to go so I .... offered her the couch. I slept in your bed since you are at the hospital".  
Penny stops eating "Happy. Do you think you can handle this?" he looks uncomfortable. "What do you mean?" "I mean..." she leans over to him, thinking I cannot hear what she is whispering "You never met with a girl before. She doesnt know about your... condition. She will think you`re weird when she finds out." "Oh don´t you worry about it, mum. She knows" he is talking, not whispering. Penny looking at me again "Really?". There is something odd about the whole situation. I`m starting to feel a lil uncomfy. It feels like he is treating him like he cannot make desicions on his own. "I really hope you can see that he`s a good boy" she is stilll smiling at me "Even if he isnt as funny as he thinks he is. " This hits me real hard. I cannot help but looking at his face after she said it. he isnt reacting to it at all. "So, mum, for how long do you think you have to stay here?" Penny continues eating her cookies " The doctor said there will be more tests and then we will see." "Alright" Arhur grabs his bag "Call me as soon as they know more." "I will. Bye Happy, by dear" we`re shaking hands again. Arthur touches her shoulder before we`re leaving the room, heading home.  
Arthur is laying his arm around me as we sit in the tram "Yeah...well. That was my mum" he is looking down. "She seems to be a nice lady" "Mmmhh" now he looks out the window. I cant tell what he is thinking about. His wide, big puppy eyes are watching a world which doesnt seem to care about him. Some people are looking at us. Maybe because he is still wearing his make up. Which starts to come off even more. But the blue around his eyes is still bright and in shape.   
He lights a cigarette as we leave the tram, walking down Anderson Ave to get to his apartment. I arrived here two days ago and it already feels like home. Even if this isnt a very save neighborhood. He feels like home to me. His arms around me. His voice. "You are the only one I feel save with, Kitten. Its like you really see me". "How could someone unsee you, Arthur?" "You would be surprised". He gets his keys, looks into the letter box. Its empty.   
A minute later we`re back home. He is heading to the bathroom, about to tke his make up off.   
I follow him. My whole body tenses up. I hope he cannot tell how excited I was to touch him for the whole day. He gets some make up remover. I grab his wrist. I didnt noticed how tiney his wrists are till now. "Don`t" I whisper. He looks surprised. "Leave the make up on" I put the remover aside as I touch his white face with my right hand. My left hand grabbing the curls behind his neck. All I can see are his green eyes piercing me with curiosity. "Leave it on for me" I alreayd feel like I am short of breath. "The whole day I couldnt think of anything else but to be with you. I mean to really be with you. To feel you all over me" Arthur is closing his eyes for a second. His perfect eyelashes blue from the face paint. Then he is pressing his lips on mine. Kissing me with a passion that really surprises me. He still seems shy but at the same time his kiss feels like he was waiting for this his whole life. Like this kiss is the fullfillment of his desires. I love the way he is holding my face in his hands now. The`re shaking a bit. I kiss him back. The taste of him and his red lipstick fill me up with excitement. His tongue is searching for mine till we find the perfect rythm. I cannot belive he never kissed someone else before. He`s so damn good at it. Like he does it with his whole body. I stop for a minute. I have to take a look at his painted face. He is gasping for air. His make up is smeared and messed up, the red almost looks like stains of blood now. Which turns me on in a weird way I never had expected. I take a quick look into the mirror. Stains of his big, red smile is all over my own face now. I kiss him again. Harder now. "K-Kitten" he stutters between the kisses "I.." "Shhhht" I say as I take off his jacket and unbotton his white shirt, which makes him look so pure. I put my finger on his smeared lips. Drawing the lines of his left make up with my fingertip. "I want you, Arthur. I want all of you". I kiss his chest as I take off his shirt,too. His ribs. I can see every one of them popping out. His hands are holding my face again. So gentle it feels like butterfly wings. "I dont know what to say?" his voice so soft, nerveaus but calm. "Just kiss me, Arthur. I need to feel you. Just take me and..." suddenly he grabs my hips and presses me against the wall. Still gentle but with a little bit more confidence. He is kissig my neck now. Rubbing his face paint off on me. White, red and blue. I can feel his leg pushing against my sensitive parts. I feel the urge to rub myself against him. His taste makes me go wild. I cannot take this anymore. I never wanted someone so much in my life. I want him whole. I want to get so close to him its not even possible. He stops kissing me, looking at me. Silence. I take his hand and lead him to the couch "Take my clothes off Arthur" I tell him as I unbotton his pants.  
He takes off my clothes piece by piece."I dreamed of this when I first saw you, Kitten".  
"Me,too Arthur."  
We`re both naked now. Kissing again as we fell on the couch.  
His brown curls between my fingers. His sad, beautiful face looking not as sad anymore. His fragile body ready to be loved. He is lying on his back. I´m lying on top of him. We`re kissing till we`re both out of breath. His hands are all over me know. His left hand seems to grab me a bit more as his really soft right hand does. I cant belive the beauty I see in front of me. He looks kinda drained but in such an attractive way.  
"You really turn me on, Arthur."  
He smiles "I do?"  
"Yeah."  
He touches the insides of my thigh. I shiver. It feels so damn good.  
My hand touches his belly and wanders down between his legs. Arthur moans siletly. Closing his eyes. I can see his lips shaking. He is breathing heavier now.  
I bend forward and breathe in the scent of his soft skin.  
"I want to feel you inside of me,Arthur"  
He pushes up against me. Holding me closer.   
"I want you, Kitten. I want this so much" his voice almost sounds like he is about to cry but he is smiling as we press our bodys against each other til there is not an inch left between us.  
I can feel him getting hard. My whole body, my mind, everything inside of me is begging him to come inside. And just as I wish it would happen. It does.  
Arthur is inside of me now and I never felt more love and passion in my whole life. He is kissing me while his eyes are closed. Sometimes I blink to see his beautiful face in font of mine while I feel like exploding from happiness. We´re switching positions. He`s on top of me now. I take him all in. Not only his body but his soul. His whole being. Everything he had to go through, everything that ever hurted him. It all disappears in this moment of pure happiness. "I love you, Kitten." he whispers in my ear " It feels so good.You feel so good." I`m touching his butt, let my hand wander up to his spine, pull him even closer as we both seem to explode from excitement and love.

Part 4  
"Oh,Kitten. I don`t know what to say" Arthur got a big smile on his face as he roles off of me and takes me in his arms. "I got lost in you. It was like everything else in the world disappeared. I never felt so close to anyone. This is what true happiness must feel like".  
My head is lying upon his chest, which is lifting up and down from still trying to catch his breath. I can`t belive what he just said. He felt true happiness. And I am the reason? I feel my eyes watering and take a deep breath of his skin.   
"I know. I felt the same with you. " I whisper in his ear "I felt compleate with you inside of me. Like you should have been there all the time." I lean in to kiss him. I can feel the taste of his lips with my whole body. My fingertips are caressing his cheekbones while I can feel his hot breath in my mouth. With his breath I breathe in his whole being. His whole beauty. I imagin his breath is making its way down my throath. I`m sucking all the sorrow and loneliness out of him. Make it my own. Become one with this sad eyed man which is my only desire in this life.  
"Keep on breathing into me" I moan between the kisses "Breathe life into me". He holds me so close to his chest its almost hurting. He might seem fragile but his arms still can be strong. "I feel like I cannot get you close enough" his arms tighten up. "Kitten, what if its never close enough?"  
I feel like I´m a little short of breath but at the same time I dont want him to loosen up his embrace. I kiss the red stained corner of his mouth. Softly. "I know what you mean, Arthur. But we can be this close now whenever we want."  
"We can?"  
"Sure"  
"You mean you really want me?"  
"I do, Arthur. I want everything of you. For the rest of my life. I will never taste or smell or touch anything else again. Or love"  
He loosens up his tight embrace to get down to kiss my chest now "Or love" he repeats. So many little kisses covering my skin. leaving stains of his face paint all over my chest. Little, red proofs that he touched me. Kissed me. His lips are wandering down my belly as I hold his head between my hands, my fingers get lost in his soft curls. I push his head closer against my trembling body. His nose is touching my navel. It tickles. I have to laugh.   
He looks up to me "Do you like it?"   
"Oh yeah. I like it a lot, Artie"  
For a second I thought he will make his way down on me but suddenly he is making his shy face.  
"Finally" he says "Finally someone sees me"

"You know what?" I play with his hair "Today we`re going to make a picnic in the park. "   
"I never had a picnic before."  
"So today its gonna be your first"  
He gets up, looking very excited "I feel like thereare going to be a lot of first times for me from now on, Kitten". He gets to the bathroom dancing to music only he can hear in his head. But I can tell its one of his favorite songs.

"Hey Artie, I will be back in like half an hour. I jus wann go buy some food"  
"Okay, just take the money in the pocket of my pants". He says while taking off the rest of his make up in the bathroom.  
I reach for his pants, search for the money and find some more meds in his pockets.  
Temazepam, Perphenazine,...  
He comes out of the bathroom before I can read what the other ones are.  
His face free from make up.   
"Did you find the money?"  
"Yeah I did" the almost empty bottle of meds still in my hands.  
"And my meds" he looks ashamed.  
"Oh, well, I`m sorry about that... I just..."  
"You must think I`m ..." a cough is crawling up his throath. His hands covering his mouth.  
"Hahahahahahahah" loud, almost agressive laughter is coming out of his mouth.  
"You hahahhaah must think I`m a crazy.... hahahahhahaha"  
"Nooooo " I run the few stept up to him "Arthur, no. I dont think you`re crazy. Look, if you need the medication to feel better, just take them okay? I will not judge you or anything"  
"No, Kitten hahahahah I`m metally.... hahahahahaahahha....ill....."  
Tears are running down his face, pain in his eyes.  
I wipe his tears away and give him a hug. He is shaking so hard my whole body is shaking with him. "You haha you deserve better... Kitten, you deserve....so much...."  
I take his hands which try to cover his mouth from shaking and kiss his lips.  
He is slowly calming down "You might have some problems, Arthur. Thats okay. We can figure them out together. I will not leave you ever again. Do you hear me?"  
He whipes a tear from his eyes "Okay. Yes... I...I do belive you"  
"C`mon get yourself ready. We go buy the stuff for the picnic together"  
There it is. He`s smiling again, getting in his clothes. A white shirt under his brown jacket and blue pants. I button up his shirt as he looks at me like he still can belive I`m really here.  
"Kitten... does you memory come back in any way?"  
"Nahh... nothing." I smile "Anyway... dont worry about that. I don`t. I feel like this had to happen, otherwise we wouldnt have met."  
"Yeah... I`m still worried, you know?"  
"Dont be, Artie" I get my own cothes. All black.   
We`re heading out the door, he lights a cigarette and we go buy some fruits and sweets before we arrive at the park.  
Its not a perfect summer day but its still warm enough to enjoy the weather. The park doesnt give you the same feeling as the streets do. Its not as dirty as the rest of Gotham.  
"How do you know the way to the park?" he asks "I thought you dont know this city"  
He`s got a good point there "Oh my god. I just knew. That means I must have been here before, right?"  
"I guess so, Kitten"  
We`re holding hands as we walk through the gates.  
"Close your eyes, Arthur"  
He chuckles "Why?"  
"Just do it"  
"Okay"  
I pick some flowes and put them into his hair.  
He opes his eyes "Kit.....what did you just do?"  
His fingers go through his hair, he is laughing from happiness as he realizes I put flowers in his hair. His puppy eyes as green as the nature around us.  
I have to laugh,too.  
He takes a flower out of his curl and puts it on my head "They look much more beautiful on you".  
"No they don`t"  
He kisses me on the forehead, humming a melody I`ve never heard before.  
"C´mon" I say "See this big, old tree right over there? This looks like the perfect spot to relax. Its far from the crowds"  
He sqeezes my hand,still humming songs, looking so happy as we walk over to place the blanket we brought with us.  
He lays down on his back, looking up to the sky as I unpack the food.   
"So....what are your fave fruits? I also got some cake and cookies and..."  
He looks at all the stuff beside him "Um... I dont even know... I`m never rally hungry". "Well, Artie, today you are" I smile "You gotta eat something. I can`t watch you staving yourself any longer".  
I know that all the meds he takes must stop his appetite but I still hope he is trying some of the food I picked for him.  
"Thats sweet" he says "But I´ll only eat something when you`re going to feed it to me" he smirks.   
"I see.... so... lets start with this" I take grape between my fingers and put it on his lips. He is eating it like he never tasted one before "It tastes good. Got more?" I feed him berries and chocoloate cookies he really seems to enjoy. He takes a rasberry by himself and puts it between his lips " Want one?" he smirks. I steal the berry from his mouth and taste his sweet lips. We kiss. He takes some bites from the cake. I´m glad he is finally eating something. "Strawberry?" I pick the one with the richest color. "Oh Kitten. I`m not used to a meal anymore. I guess I`m already full". He is rubbing his belly.  
I put the strawberry in my own mouth.   
"But it was very thoughtful of you, thank you"   
I put the rest of the food back in the bag and lie down beside him. Breathing in the fresh air, watching the clouds passing us by.

Part 5  
The next few days went by like a dream. All was well. The world I have known wasnt important anymore, who I was before him wasnt important anymore. All I know now is that Arthur an I love each other. He didnt had one single of his hurtful laughter going on, it feels like he can relax by my side. At night we slip under the blankets together, so close to each other that sometimes I´m not sure where my body ends and his body begins. His insomnia keeps getting better. Sometimes he wakes up in the middle of the night and takes his meds. But he always gets back to bed and falls asleep again with a smile on his face and his head on my chest, so I can feel his hot breath against my skin. So I know he`s there. Right beside me. We haven`t slept together since he lost his virginity but I know he wants it. He just needs some time to belive that I´m real, since he was hallucinating a lot in the past.   
Today he is still asleep as I wake up. I carefully slip out of bed so he won`t wake and grab a diary I bought myself yesterday. I already filled it with some thoughts I had while watching him sleep. Mostly desires and sexual fantasies. I was hiding it under the sheets because I had the feeling he would be overwhelmed by reading it. Or even think he isnt enough. Oh he is enough. Arthur is all I want. All I need to feel satisfied. The connection we had was so much more than sex. Sometimes it feels like we are one spirit. I like to think that I am a thought in his mind. His daydream. His fantasy. He told me about the daydreams with a woman he had before and I felt like he really loved her, even though in reality she was some kind of a stranger to him. His feeling for her still feeled real. And I really hope I`m a fantasy in his head,too. He definitaly is mine. Thats why I started creating this diary, so I can express all of my desires for him. I take a look beside me. He is stretching, about to wake up.  
I kiss his cheek "Good morning, my love".  
He is touching his forehead. I once again notice the frakles on the back of his hands.I am obsessed wit details. Especially when it comes to him. I wanna find every detail he has to offer. Body and soul. The more I see of him, the more beautiful he becomes.  
"Morning, Kitten" he says in a tired tone. "I had the most amazing dream".  
"You did?"  
"Yeah"  
"Tell me about it"  
He smirks  
His smirk always makes me all fuzzy inside.  
"Arthur" I playfully slap his arm "Tell me"  
He stands up and gets a shirt.  
He was sleepingin his underwear, I can see his cute, little buttcheesks peeking out.  
"Nahh.. I...I cant tell you that" he turns his face away from me but I can tell he is blushing.  
"Arthur, you`re blushing" I cant help but smile from cheek to cheek.  
He gets into his shirt and walks up to me. Sits down at the bed.  
"Thats because I dreamed that you handcuffed me and I was begging you to get on top of me, touching me. And I was like.... going crazy because I couldnt touch you but it felt so good and..."  
I`m watching his lips, saying these words and can`t belive what I just heard. He just described one of the fantasies I wrote in my diary. Did he read it when I was asleep? Did he find it?  
"Arthur?"  
"Huh?"  
"Did you... did you just read my diary?"  
"What diary?"  
I can tell by his face that he dont know about my book.  
"The book I filled with some of my fantasies about you"  
"You got a book with fantasies about me?"  
I guess I am the one blushing now.  
"I do... I mean I just bought it yesterday but... yeah."  
"Can I...can I read it?" his eyes lighten up.  
"Sure" I grab the diary and hand it to him with excitement as he starts reading the first page. He looks very serious and concetrated. But his eyes are filled with joy. He reads all the filled pages. All the words I wrote about him. He reads it without saying a word. Then he puts the diary aside.   
"Kitten, you really wanna do all this stuff to me, huh?"  
I can feel myself getting nerveaus.   
"Oh god yeah, I really want to, Arthur"  
He leans towards me. I can feel his curls on my cheeks as he whispers in my ear "Do it then!"

My heart is racing as I heard his sweet voice saying this.  
"But where do we get the handcuffs from?" I chuckle  
Arthur leaves the room and comes back with.... a pair of...  
"Where did you get those from?" my eyes must be as big as his now. "Did you try it...."  
Arthur played with the cuffs "No, no, no its not like that... I... " He hands me the handcuffs "I stole them from Arkham hospital a year ago... don`t ask" .  
I`m nodding.  
I didnt knew he was in a mental hospital before.  
For a moment I realize there must be many things I dont know about him yet. I missed 35 years of his lfe, which makes me sad. I wish we could have met sooner.  
I stand up and let the handcuffs swing in front of his face "So... Mr. Fleck...you are arrested for being extremly attractive" we both have to laugh for a moment but it feels kinda serious as he gets in bed and spreads his arms, so I can tie him up. I fix his hands and watch him getting excited. "Get out off your underwear" I take his underwear off and threw it over my shoulders. He is lying on the bed. Trying to get into a nice position for me to top him.   
"What are you gonna do with me now?" he is almost whispering, his voice soft like a breath.   
"Let me show you"  
"Oh yeah, Kitten. Show me"  
"I`m gonna love every inch of your body. There wouldnt be a spot I´m leaving out. I want it all. And you can`t do nothing about it"  
Arthur is shaking a little, but just a little. Enough for me to notice it though. Cuz it feels like a soft vibration against my lips, which are discovering his tiney ankles. So thin and fragile. Like a porcelain doll. I put my hands around them to feel how tiney they are. I kiss his little toe, making my way up to his legs. I kiss every inch, every frackle, every spot and taste the different parts of his now trembling body.  
Soft moaning from his mouth.  
"I`m all yours, Kitten. i´m all yours. "  
I kiss the insides of his thighs. He is breathing heavier now.  
"Turn around"  
"What?"  
"Turn around Arthur. I want to see your butt"  
He turns around, his hands tied behind his back.  
My hands caress his cute, peachy butt. Grabbing his cheeks as he moans.  
I cover his butcheeks with kisses, let my hand wonder between his legs. Forward. He`s getting hard now. "  
"I see you enjoy it, Arthur?"  
He pushes his face against the pillow as my fingers play with his most sensitive parts.  
"I do...oh my god, Kitten. Please don`t stop! Keep on touching me like that!"  
I`m grabbing him and turn him around so he is on his back again. Kissing him where he is getting harder any second. My hands are all over his chest, his arms. My lips wondering all over his body.  
"This feels so good. I cannot take it anymore"  
"You have to"  
I press my lips against his neck and start to suck it. I can smell his hair. My left hand is in his curls, my right hand is reaching for his cock. I`m biting his neck.   
His breath is getting more and moreintense, his eyes are closed.   
Those eyelashes. I cannot take my eyes off of his eyelashes.  
Details. More details.  
I take a close look on his face while ´there is nothing but excitement. His face expression turns me on in a way I cant even describe it. I try to contain the taste of his neck as I suck his skin till it turns blue.   
"You like that?"  
"Don`t stop. I am begging you.. "  
I let my tongue slide over the scar upon his lip.  
Its my fave part of his body.  
All his details deserve so much love.  
I can feel his lip twitching while my tongue is playing with it.  
I can feel my body screaming out for him to fill me up.  
I change my position, he is opening his eyes, looking right into mine.  
"Fuck me, Kitten! Oh I need your hands to love me. I need your lips to kiss me like that. I want you so bad. Don`t you ever stop loving me like that"  
I get on top of him and take him all in.  
All the way inside.  
"I wish I could touch you" he moans. Waves of excitement all through his body.  
I take the key and uncuff his hands while he is still inside of me.  
As soon as he is free his hands are pressing me against him, so hard I can barely move anymore. But it feels just right. He is pushing himself inside of me, his tongue in my mouth. The taste of cigarettes and passion.  
He is kissing my earlobes now, sucking them.   
I never felt more happiness in my lfe. Feeling his gentle movements inside of me.   
I swear I can hear him humming a song between his whispered moaning.  
"You feel me?" he says  
"Yeah"  
"You`re really here with me arent you, Kitten?"  
"I am"  
"Thisis not a dream. we`re one"  
"We are, Arthur."  
And as I know he feels the same.  
That we are one soul. One body.   
I explode with excitement. Just like him.

"


End file.
